29 Oct A warning to Fiapoto Wives everywhere (From Madam Hydra)
Once upon a time, there was a very clever (and stunningly beautiful) woman called Lani. One morning she woke up with a pesky itch on the side of her neck. It could have been a mosquito bite? Or a pimple? Either way, it was irritating so she scratched it and then ignored it. She was very busy doing very clever (and very stunningly beautiful) things and so she didnt have time to think about pesky irritations on the side of her neck.
The next day, the pesky irritant was more of a reddish bump. It hurt. A bit. Lani’s husband Darren said, “You should go to the doctor and get some antibiotics. Before it turns into a bad boil.” Sure, he was clever too, (and I guess, a little bit stunning handsome), but more importantly, he was a lot bit bossy.
So Lani said, “No, I don’t want to go to the doctor. It’s just a small sore and it will go away soon.” Plus she was thinking about things like the global overuse of antibiotics and how she certainly wasn’t going to contribute to the growth of antibiotic-resistant-superbugs dammit. Because she was very clever and knew heaps n heaps about these things. (So what if she’s not a doctor? Unlike Darren, she had watched 13 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy and so she knew everything about antibiotics.)
The next day, Lani woke up with a two headed boil on her neck. It was red, inflamed and it hurt like a fire brand. Unfortunately it was a Sunday and so she couldn’t go to the doctor. Instead she took lots of Panadol and applied hot compresses (like Google said to). She couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t turn her head, she couldn’t chew without it hurting her neck, she was dizzy and nauseous with the pain. And the boil grew bigger. Redder. Hotter. More angry and painful.
The next day, the boil had 3 heads. Vicious pockets of pus that kept building under a mantle of carbuncle horror. The pain was so bad that Lani wanted to gouge the boil out with a pickaxe. Anything to be rid of it. Lani’s children looked at her neck and exclaimed, “What is that thing growing on your neck?! It looks like something out of the Alien movie. This is how the Zombie apocalypse starts.” They took photos of it so Lani could see. She looked and nearly threw up.
“Why did you show me that?! I’m going to faint now.” Lani was not feeling very clever any more. And she sure wasn’t stunningly beautiful either.
“I need a box to put on my head,” she wailed. “Or a veil. Or somebody just kill me now and put me out of my misery.”
Darren took his weepy wife to the doctor and got some antibiotics. He drove children to school and organised meals and everything else. He took time off work to look after his not very clever (and pus-laden not-beautiful) wife.
The next day, the boil had 6 heads. It was a Biblical beast, multiplying and replenishing the earth. Or maybe it was the Lernaaean Hydra, with many heads and poisonous blood that could sprout more monsters wherever it dripped. “Why is this happening to me?” cried Lani.
One of her fiapoto children said, “I think it’s because you didn’t listen to Dad when he said to go to the doctor.”
Lani exercised great restraint and did not yell at her insolent child. Or curse her with hydra blood. But it was hard not to.
By the end of the week, the hydra had oozed and vomited out lots of nasty stuff, and reverted to a single head again. The pain had eased, the swelling had gone down. It still looked like an overeager vampire had chewed and mangled her neck, but Lani was hopeful that the boil would soon die for good.
She had learned an important lesson though, which she is sharing with you so there can be some good from this week of hydra hell:
It doesn’t matter how clever you think you are – when your Very Clever husband says you should go to the doctor for antibiotics, you should listen. Go fast. Go right away.