15 Sep The Gift of Two Mothers

I was blessed to have two very different mothers when I was growing up. (and no, I don’t mean my mum had a multiple personality disorder.) First there was my mum. The Pacific’s version of Martha Stewart. And then there was Peka – our babysitter/ Nanny/second mother. Both women love us very much. Both women, pretty much devoted their lives to raising us six (spoilt) brats. But each in their own way.

*Peka never yelled at us, ever. Even when we were awful. Mum smacked us with the wooden spoon when we were naughty. (which was quite often). Peka would sit in the next room crying. When mum was done, Peka would give her the silent treatment. And at the end of the day, announce she was never coming back to work because Mum was soooo mean to us. (and mum would roll her eyes and set about trying to appease her because heaven forbid she be stuck with six demon kids on her own.)

*Mum read to us, pushed us to succeed. Made us do our homework. Told us second place in class wasn’t good enough. If we came first in anything, she dressed in her finest Vogue fashions and came to see us get our prizes.(once she wore a hat. Like those Buckingham Palace people hats? Yeah. Did she stand out? Yeah.) If we weren’t getting a prize, she was too busy to attend. Peka thought everything we did was wonderful. She made frangipani leis and brought them to give us at every Prizegiving. She would hug us and cry proud tears. Even if we came second in class. Got ‘Most Improved in Handwriting’. Or even if we got nothing at all.

*Mum made the rules. Peka helped us hide the evidence when we broke them. We weren’t allowed in the living room because we were too messy. Peka cleaned up the vases we broke and hid us when mum found out. Mum told us we couldn’t eat dessert until we ate all our vegetables. While Peka made us chocolate pie and cinnamon buns whenever we wanted.

* When we grew up and found unacceptable boyfriends, mum disowned us. Yelled at us. Told us she was ashamed of us. While Peka cried. Pleaded with us to “be a good girl”. Hugged the unacceptable boys and told them to “be a good boy. Please look after Lani/P/R…” (Notice I didnt include my other sister T in that list. She never had any unacceptable boyfriends. #goodGirl)

Yes, I am blessed to have been raised by two very different mothers who each have taught me very different and precious things. I love them both and am grateful for all they have given me. My dilemma now is, how can I take the best of my two mothers and combine them as I try to parent my own children? I want to be loving, kind and gentle. But I also want to be – firm, authoritative and give my children the skills they will need to succeed in an often cruel, frantic world. So I’m (trying) to walk that fine line, walking in the footsteps of my two mothers.

This is a blog written ten years ago and I’m re-sharing. Today is the 3rd anniversary of Peka’s passing. Peka, its been 3yrs since you left us and grief still catches me off guard. Your love finds its way into my writing, your fierce spirit and strength, (and even your cooking is in my books!) I miss you.

1 Comment
  • Mommies will always have these dilemmas. Mine goes being a mom to a 4-year old, my own and to my nephew who just turned 19. Both are here in Hong Kong with me. My nephew works here for a contract as a performer along with his uncle and I. His family (his dad is my husband’s brother) is in New Zealand so we stand as his guardians here as he spends his last adolescent years living independently. Earning his own money and having a girlfriend too.

    While I balance my ways through each, I switch into being a molder, a teacher to a beginner (for my 4-year old) and a disciplinarian and a cool aunt (for my adolescent nephew). I, myself, am having a whiplash of the back and forth projection of how I should act. I am supposed to be encouraging, loving, supportive and strict both in different approach. I am living both “2 mom-lifetimes” in one go.

    So, high-five! I feel you!

    September 24, 2018 at 4:34 pm

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